Embracing queerness through toys, and why it’s ok if you don’t… and maybe why you should try it if you haven’t yet!
Speaking with and reading about people of all types, and how they’ve come out or found each other, or how they’re still searching; it often registers a common theme. People often feel obligated to fulfill a certain stereotype, even when they’re escaping one. Even without realizing it sometimes. Meaning? There’s still a huge stereotype that guys who are gay are into anal sex, and that all same sex female couples will use a strap on dildo. You might have discovered this for yourself, or it might be the one (or one of the million) things that are revolving around in your head, so making the decisions for identity and choice seem even trickier.
It’s ok. There’s no right or wrong answer, hence the term “choice.”
The myths about sexuality vs. Sex
As a writer, I’m also an avid people watcher. I often watch how people interact, searching for clues and new ways to phrase common responses we all have. I often see radically different partners, sometimes lonesome-looking people, and naturally, people of all shapes, sizes and backgrounds. How often do I consciously or even sub-consciously transfix on what type of sex couples or even singles have, if I can be convinced that they’re straight?
Probably never to not very often. I’m actually an eyes person.
So, why would I; why should I see a same sex couple and automatically assume they must be waiting for the next free moment so they can actively engage in anal or sex with a strap-on dildo?
I shouldn’t. But the strange truth is, most people will assume that, even if they don’t do it consciously. Gay men crave anal sex, and all same sex, non-male couples obviously use sex toys to penetrate for fun, right? I mean they have to, because… because why?
Because since we were kids (kids from the 80s and 90s and even before anyway), that’s the BS that we’ve been fed by everything from the homophobic government and media and through to most of our parents and teachers.
Now, whatever you personally identify with may or may not conform to certain stereotypes, even within its own communal paradigm, but it would be fairly limiting to assume that all people of a particular persuasion engaged in the same sexual habits, just as much as it would be to think that all licensed drivers chose manual transmissions, or even a particular make or model of car.
But it still happens, and even though it shouldn’t, most same sex couples are happy enough to wear a little extra stigma with their stigma, if others should choose to limit themselves by seeing them in that light.
But wait! We really love that!
A lot of gay men do actually enjoy anal sex, and often. And a lot of same sex female and gender-fluid trans, and even those who choose not to actively identify as anything who really, really do like going at with their partner, or hooking up with someone to enjoy all sorts of sex. And that often includes a strap on dildo, amongst any number of other things. And, there’s certainly nothing wrong with that! Indeed, many straight men are opening up to the idea of being penetrated by their female partner as part of their own self and shared relationship discoveries. Go! Mount up! There’s nothing wrong with it.
Call me romantic, but there are millions, maybe even billions of us who, regardless of gender or sexual identity, don’t put a whole lot of focus on the sexual side of things. I mean, sure, it’s nice, but what about just hanging out, or even (God forbid), actually talking to each other. A healthy relationship will have all these things and more, but (and maybe it’s because I’m getting a little older over here), but sex, as fun as it can be, regardless of who you are, isn’t always the mainstay of any relationship. Again, if it is for you, kudos. But like all the forms of sex, it needn’t be the number one feature of human interaction.
Sometimes it’s just nice to know someone’s at home when you get there, or to help you out when you need it, or to just hold you when you need to cry, or they might just be the one who will put up with your crap when nobody else will. That’s as powerful as any fake dick, or more so, any day of the week.
Yeah…we tried that once… it was (insert negative adjective here)
Most of us who experiment or try new things, do so in order to find out who we are, or we’re possessed by the tequila gods and perhaps seek therapy for years after the fact, to try and heal, to move on with our lives.
For those of us seeking to find our sexual identity with a same or less than conventional partner, we might be happy to discover they like what we like, or we might even be blessed enough to find it together. But like a ton of things, opposites attract, and just because you like something or want to try it, it doesn’t mean your partner will.
If you haven’t yet got your story, about why you can’t even look at or think about something, because of (what is most usually only ever referred to politely as) the incident, it’s okay. You have plenty of time.
Don’t give up, and always be open to new things. If it was too much, gross or just not right one time, it doesn’t have to stay that way for all time. Sometimes a few weeks, years, or even a new partner can change everything.
Keep calm, and do whatever feels right for you!
In this incredible world we live in, it’s never been easier, or more complicated to discover who you are and what you like. It’s a veritable playground, a wonderland of discovery. The kicker? It’s not always smooth sailing, and not everyone is ever going to agree with you or be happy about everything all of the time.
The tide seems to have shifted in favor of the power of individual choice, regardless of which one, if any, we choose to adopt as far as identifying with or without a sexuality/gender.
I hope you have found, or will soon, the one significant other in your life (even if that’s yourself, a cat or a rubber plant), and that you find your own way of sharing the ride; the highs and lows of life together. And if it includes physical intimacy as sex with something as simple as just holding each other, or flying on a trapeze coated in hot fudge, playing the star spangled banner through your strap on dildo; I hope it’s what feels right for you!
In a world that’s as wonderful as it is uncertain, do we have time to let the best moments slip away from us in the pursuit of classification and even judgment? Enjoy yourself and each other, in the spirit of peace, love and diversity, in whatever form it takes in your own life.