I’ve spent more than a decade sitting with clients who quietly confess the same fear: “I’m not performing well enough.” It’s a sentence soaked in pressure and one queer men echo often. Whether partnered or single, masc or femme, top, bottom, or switch, there is a deeply internalized belief that our worth in the bedroom rests on performance. Hardness. Endurance. Reliability. Technique. We grew up with a script that was never ours to begin with a script built around the glorification of the penis. Bodies were graded. Pleasure was something we were expected to deliver rather than experience. And yet, in session after session, what becomes clear is that what men interpret as a “sexual problem” is often nothing more than a nervous system overloaded with pressure, fear, and expectations. This is where Emily Nagoski’s “dual control model” becomes a game-changer.
She teaches that desire isn’t about willpower or masculinity, it’s about the balance between your accelerators (what turns you on) and your brakes (what shuts your body down). Most queer men don’t realize how many brakes they’re carrying: shame, trauma, stress, body insecurity, comparison, fear of rejection, fear of not being enough. When those brakes activate, desire cannot thrive no matter how strong the accelerator might be.
Undoing Internalized Pressure
When we talk about performance anxiety, we’re really talking about brakes. The body senses threat (emotional, psychological, relational) and it does exactly what it’s designed to do: slow everything down. For many queer men, brakes come from years of hiding, managing, or adapting our identities. Add cultural messaging about masculinity, and suddenly sex becomes a stage instead of a playground. Men often tell me, “If I really loved my partner, I’d be in the mood more,” or “I shouldn’t need time to warm up, men are supposed to be ready instantly.” But accelerators don’t override brakes. They never have. They never will. And that realization alone frees so many.
Mindfulness as a Way to Reset the System
Mindfulness ( even just a few minutes a day) teaches you to understand your brakes and accelerators in real time. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” you begin asking, “What is happening in my body right now, and what does it need?” I draw heavily on Dr. Lori Brotto’s work (Better Sex Through Mindfulness), which shows that mindful awareness increases desire, reduces sexual anxiety, and reconnects us to our
bodies, especially in queer communities that have been taught to disconnect from them. And the tools are accessible: Calm, Headspace, Ten Percent Happier, free guided practices on YouTube.
Mindful sex isn’t about becoming perfectly Zen. It’s about learning to notice:
- When your brakes activate
- When your accelerators spark
- What your body is actually asking for
This is slow, intentional eroticism, not performance, not pressure.
Letting the Body Lead Instead of the Script
One of my favorite ways to teach mindful presence is through mindful eating. You slow down. Notice texture. Warmth. Anticipation. Pleasure unfolds from awareness, not evaluation. Now imagine doing that with erotic touch. This is where many queer men begin to rediscover pleasure: not from chasing orgasm but from savoring sensation. not from performing masculinity but from being fully present. When you stop racing toward a sexual “goal,” your accelerators naturally come online. When you allow grounding and safety, your brakes soften. Pleasure becomes something your body participates in, not something you force it to produce.
A Queer Lens on Erotic Reclamation
For queer folks whose bodies have often been policed, targeted, or shamed… mindfulness is more than a practice. It’s a reclamation. A way of saying: “My body gets to be a place of pleasure, not fear.” “My sexuality gets to be expansive, not evaluated.” “My desire gets to be contextual, not judged.” And context is everything. The Nagoskis teach that desire is not a spontaneous lightning bolt, it’s a response to the environment. Your emotional connection, your stress level, your comfort, your safety, your self-worth. All of these shape your erotic experience. When queer men understand this, we stop comparing ourselves to porn scripts and start honoring our nervous systems. Because pleasure doesn’t come from perfection. It comes from presence.
From noticing your brakes and adjusting with compassion.
From learning your accelerators and naming them proudly.
From being curious with your body instead of critical.
If you’ve ever felt pressure to perform, consider this permission slip: Slow down. Breathe. Notice. Let your accelerators lead you.
Your body is not the enemy.
Your sexuality doesn’t need fixing.
It just needs room to be felt instead of managed.
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Meet Dr. Josh
excelsisbehavioralhealth.com
Dr. Josh is a licensed psychotherapist and clinical sexologist in Florida with over a decade
of experience supporting individuals and couples. He is also a proud boy dad and husband
who values connection, curiosity, and showing up authentically in all roles of life. His
clinical work centers on relationships, sexuality, identity, and helping people build lives that
feel more grounded and connected.
Outside the therapy room, he’s a cosplayer and avid tabletop gamer who believes play,
storytelling, and community are powerful tools for growth and belonging.
