One of the biggest mistakes we make is allowing another person to tell us how we feel or what we should believe. Unfortunately, listening to well-meaning advice from friends and family has destroyed many relationships. It may be necessary to evaluate the person who is offering their opinion. When we have questions about a person that we love, it is best to ask the person of interest. They are the one who knows what they are thinking more than your friend does. Communication is key to nourishing any relationship.
I have seen relationship sabotage happen so many times. As women, we tend to be over-protective of each other or even competitive, unfortunately. There is an unreasonable high level of fear when it comes to relationship management. Just like almost every parent imagines a pedophile hiding in every bush trying to molest their children, women tend to see a cheater in every person they fall in love with. It’s not unreasonable to understand why we live in fear of being betrayed; we see television seductively promote infidelity and promiscuity. With websites like AshleyMadison.com, we are being told that cheating is the norm. While infidelity is a reality, there comes a point that we need to step away from our insecurities and just learn to trust ourselves and each other. Some may call my perspective naive, but I choose to call it mature.
Trusting yourself may be a challenge so let me ask you this; why would you trust your friend’s perspective more than your own? Is your friend subject matter expert? If so, is this expertise reflected in their lifestyle? Think of it like this, would you ask a criminal in prison how to commit a crime? I would hope not, after all, they are in prison. It is the same as your doctor attempting to tell you to quit smoking while smelling like tobacco. Never ask the advice from a person who is not a subject matter expert- it simply does not make sense. This is especially true for queer people in queer relationships: our relationships are unique and have their own sets of problems, issues, and concerns that non-queer people cannot relate to; so don’t ask a straight person about a queer relationship.
Perhaps you feel like you can trust your friend’s opinion because she has been through so much- which is why you should not ask for her advice! This is an opportunity for advice based on emotional projection. Imagine this, you are dating a woman who takes hours to answer your text messages. You are not used to this so you start to question if she is into you as much as you are into her (first mistake by the way- feeding your insecurity!). At first, it would take three hours for her to reply but now sometimes it can take a whole twelve hours!
Because I am a theatrically inclined person, we’re going to act this out:
YOU: Is she alright? Is her life in danger? Am I texting too much? Did I say something wrong? I am so pathetic! Maybe she thinks I am a stalker.
FRIEND: She’s married. All married people take a long time to reply. I dated this one woman who was married…
Uh oh- now you think she is married and you are pissed! Oh hell no! You don’t have time for these games! You are so tired of lies and betrayal so you text her;
YOU: I really don’t appreciate you ignoring me. I deserve to be treated with consideration. If you don’t want to talk to me, you don’t need to ignore me- just be honest with me. I will not be played!
HER: Excuse me?! What is your problem? I did not know I had to have my phone chained to me to await your every text! Why didn’t you just call if you wanted to talk so much? Never mind. Perhaps it is best if we cool it off. I think that you are getting too intense.
Ouch…now that may have seemed dramatic, but believe me when I say it happens a lot! Insecurity and bad advice are toxic. You have to trust that you are worthy of love and deserve it. Why is it logical to believe that trust should be earned? If you’re with someone you don’t trust then there is an issue. Either your instincts are trying to protect you or you need to work on your self-esteem. Insecurity is a hard beast to tame- especially if you have friends feeding your beast.
Jealousy and suspicion can ruin relationships. Everyone who is a good person deserves to be trusted, and frankly, most people are actually good inside. It is distrust that should be earned. When distrust is earned then it is logical to make a judgment and determine if it is worth it to have that person be a part of your life. You are not a naive fool for trusting a person who failed to act ethically. They are the fool for betraying the unconditional and fragile gift of trust.