For some reason when you are obvious about your homosexuality, people find it acceptable to ask the most ridiculous and invasive questions. As a lesbian, it amazes how many people think they could ask me the most intimate questions about my sexuality.  It is not always friends or family members that are asking these questions; no, the moment you tell somebody heterosexual that you are a lesbian, some of them feel the need to ask you questions about the details of your sex life. Sometimes you don’t know how to respond because you have to ask yourself, do people really ask questions like this in the hetero community?

I really am not here to complain about general hetero rudeness. Complaining never gets me anywhere but more frustrated.  This is my opportunity to offer a solution to this problem by helping other people with amazing answers that we can give that are just as ridiculous as the questions themselves.

Common Stupid Questions:

  1. You don’t look lesbian, are you sure you’re gay?

Hmmm, how does a lesbian look like? Oh, I see, I forgot to wear my handy dandy lesbian bull dyke flannel and my strap on.  It’s at the dry cleaners.  Don’t worry, I will look like a bonafide lesbian the next time you see me.

  1. How do lesbians do it if you don’t have penises?

We do it the same way unicorns do it; with fairy dust and rainbows.  While we’re at it, the fairies start dancing in circles around us to bless our union so that we may breed little lesbians.

  1.  Who is the man of the relationship?  

…(crickets chirping).  You are missing the point (just walk away).

  1.  Aren’t you afraid of going to hell for being gay?

Aren’t you afraid of going to hell for not being a virgin?  (Keep in mind the adjective “virgin” may be replaced by any of the sins in the Bible).

  1.  Do you want to have sex with my wife?  I just want to watch.

(awkward silence of revulsion)…I …well… If you watch, you might learn something and my technique is a secret weapon.  Would you like to wait outside while I rock your wife’s world?  I must warn you, I turn straight women gay all of the time, so I hope your marriage is secure.  

Those are my top five ridiculous questions.  I could go on, but I have a short attention span.  I know that many lesbians can identify with being asked questions like these. I would love to hear from you about your experiences.  What crazy questions have you been asked by straight people?