We’ve all heard of the dark, sexy succubus known as the evil, fake-bisexual woman (horror music). You know the type: the hot seductress who oozes throbbing sexual energy at you after her fifth fruity bunny foo-foo drink. She’s been making eye contact with you all night and refuses to come to you as she sits on her throne surrounded by pixie college co-eds in a protective courtly circle. They laugh loudly, like a pack of hyenas, which you usually find annoying….but she is so hot!  Maybe she’s lesbian after all, right?  I mean come on, she’s so hot–and you’re in a gay bar for goodness sake!

  1.  She is not a lesbian. Notice the protective layer of bodies surrounding her. This is a defensive female tactic used in a heterosexual environment in which the friends are blocking advancement opportunities from interested parties.
  1.  She came with a “guy friend” who is noticeably not gay because he has an excited gleam in his eyes as he watches women on the dance floor kissing. If you look closely, you may be able to see the pale outline of removed wedding rings on the left hand. Need I say more?
  1.  She is looking around to see who is staring at her every time she makes a move on another woman. This is a sign that she is an exhibitionist who thinks that being a lesbian is in style and not a lifestyle. She is the one who is smiling at the men hungrily while dancing and kissing on other women.
  1. The big test: the protective circle has loosened up with inebriated morals, doused in rum and pineapple juice.  They’re giggling and clinging to each other in that BFF way and yet they are pretending to flirt with each other. Are hands caressing the sensitive erogenous zones like the curve over the pelvic bone, the neck or sensitive triceps area? Hmmm, women are naturally seductive creatures that gravitate toward intimate movements when attracted to someone. Nah, I think they’re just grinding hips together and shoving tongues down each other’s throats in a theatrical simulation of desire. This is more primitive and less seductive but to each their own.  My “gaydy” senses are not tingling.
  1.  If all else fails and you are still uncertain, just ask her… “So do you … [indelicate statement]?” If she flinches at you, she has failed the test. You have a fake bisexual pillow princess on your hand.

While there is nothing wrong with identifying as a bisexual individual, sometimes we have to watch out for the trolls out there that are using us for their ego-gratification.  It helps to know how to avoid the traps. Please feel free to share your own Detect-A-Fake test. I love hearing from my readers.