Those of us on the far ends of the Trans* community have probably heard something along these lines at some point: “You’re such a cute girl/handsome boy though, why would you want to be a boy/girl?” How this particular statement makes my teeth itch! No one likes to be misgendered, regardless of what your gender is, and when people try to convince you of what you should be, it can be frustrating. How does one even respond to such a thing without seeming hostile or forsaking your own identity? It isn’t too hard, actually, but for some people, it can be like a difficult puzzle.
The other day, I was talking with one of my roommates in the car, and he started complaining about how short his hair was. I complained about my hair being too shaggy (my hair is some short nerdy fringe cut, but the sides are growing out and it puffs like a poodle) and he cried out, “You should grow your hair out! If you had long hair and wore a sundress, you’d be cuteness incarnate!” Yes, people really talk like that. Welcome to Nerd-dom, population The Internet.
This wasn’t the first time he’d said such a thing or that I’d heard such a thing from other people, but it still irritated me. I don’t conform to gender performance, whether it’s the one I was assigned at birth or the one I identify as and hope to one day match biologically. To me, that doesn’t matter, but I know to others it does, and to that person, in particular, it mattered.
I told him I liked my hair short and didn’t like my hair long, to which he replied: “You should love yourself more!” The conversation was pretty much like a script for “Cis People Say the Darnedest Things!” I stayed firm, assuring him that I love myself, but I know what I’m about. He pushed again, don’t ask me why anyone can be that persistent about hair length, and I repeated: “I know what I’m about.”
He was quiet after that, and it didn’t escalate into a fight or heated argument or condescending words. Both parties maintained their dignity and importantly, I was firm about the subject without contradicting myself, and without tearing into my friend. Was it the “right” way to handle the situation? I don’t think there is a one-size-fits-all solution to this ever-present although somewhat minute dilemma that Trans* people face, or simply people who do not conform to gender performance. In the end, it depends on what you want out of the situation and what you deem necessary to accomplish that goal.
But for anyone whose had issues standing firm in these situations, for they are not always so easy to navigate as this, but simply saying “I know what I’m about” can shut down pretty much any disagreement, because who can argue they know you more than yourself?
