I’ve dated a lot of guys. All of them were not right for me. But the ones that stang the most were the ones who I thought were the One for me until they abruptly ended things with me. And it’s not just my story…
As a relationship coach for gay men, I hear a lot of reasons as to why things haven’t worked out for my clients with their dating:
- “Monogamy is a rare thing in gay dating”
- “Guys don’t do commitment”
- “Everybody who swipes on me just wants a hookup”
- “Everyone is just looking for an open relationship”
- “I don’t trust other guys when I go on dates”
And the biggest thing I hear is:
“I KEEP ATTRACTING THE WRONG GUYS”
I think we’ve ALL been there before. It’s like we’re a magnet for players, cheaters, narcissists and abusers in our lives and we’re led to believe that we’re somehow flawed and that we must have the words, “BREAK MY HEART” written in invisible ink on our foreheads that can only be read by the guys we fall the hardest for.
Well, we keep dating the wrong guys because…
We were never educated to know who THE RIGHT guy is!
It’s dangerously easy to get involved with the wrong guy for a number of reasons:
- We’re feeling lonely and want someone to make us feel better about ourselves
- We’re not feeling good about our circumstances in life
- We’re lacking in connection and need someone to talk to about our vulnerabilities
- We’re heartbroken and want someone to help us overcome the pain of the latest breakup
These reasons are some of the biggest causes for dating the wrong men in our lives.
If we’re feeling better about ourselves, have strong boundaries and are capable of expressing how we feel, we’re in the best place to date others and remove the wrong guys in dating.
Now, I could give a generic list of all the potential red flags that are out there but that would likely keep you from actually getting to know guys in dating as you’d be pouring over every action and word and might end things abruptly before they even get started.
So here’s what you need to know about HOW to attract the right guys:
- Have a better relationship with yourself:
Get comfortable sitting with the uncomfortable parts of yourself that give you feelings of shame and really learn to appreciate those features. Part of the reason we connect with the wrong guys is that in an effort to appear a particular way we can mould ourselves into a guy that we think will impress our partners and this can cause us to connect with other disingenuous individuals. Authenticity will always match with authenticity just as disingenuity matches with disingenuity.
- Set boundaries:
For the record: boundaries are your terms and conditions. Explicitly state to your partner what you DO and DON’T like being done to you. It’s VERY important to be mindful of how you like to be treated. If you don’t like guys who are inconsistent in texting, say so. If you don’t want to have sex for the first month of dating, let the guy know. If you don’t want to be in an open relationship, tell your partner. If you’re allowing yourself to be with someone because you don’t want to wait around, you ARE wasting time as you’re likely choosing more of the same guy whilst disrespecting your own boundaries.
- Grow your support group
One of the best ways to understand what a healthy, loving and unconditionally loving relationship is between two men is to have deep, friendships with other gay men. This means being able to respect each other’s boundaries as friends, being vulnerable with one another without using this as an opportunity to sleep with each other, and being able to show up for one another. Being able to model a healthy relationship with your friends sets the foundation of a healthy relationship with a partner.
- Get good at letting go
You do not need more than 4 close friends in your life. You also don’t need to hold on to every partner in dating you don’t want to hang around with anymore. Being able to verbally communicate that you’re ending and walking away from the wrong people not only opens you up to the right guys, it also allows you to subconsciously disconnect from the wrong guys and improve how you select the guys you date. And if you’re worried about hurting your partner’s feelings, a gentle reminder is that you are not responsible for your partner’s feelings. We don’t intend to hurt one another in dating but we are not responsible for how our partner’s react.
- Know what you want by Date 1.
Get clear on date 1 about what you want. Don’t waste time trying to ‘play it cool’. It’s important to be able to tell at what stage your partner is at. If they’re fresh off the back of a breakup, it’s likely he’s not ready for commitment even if he says he is as he might have a candle for his ex. If he’s the kind of guy that hesitates at the thought of commitment, you should be hesitating from dating him again. Even if the chemistry is great, it’s no good if there’s no underlying compatibility between the two of you.
In short, it’s important to remember that the relationship you have with yourself will determine the quality of the people you’re matching with. This doesn’t come overnight and the work to get here takes time by yourself.
Which is why if you’re looking for a way to REALLY fast track your dating to attract the right guy, I have developed my signature program, Find My Man, to help you out to stop wasting time being heartbroken by the wrong guys. If you want to work with me, click here to apply. I only offer 5 private coaching spots every 2 months so hurry as I book out fast!