I’m sure you have heard this excuse before.

Somebody has just spoken a disgusting racial slur or said something horribly homophobic or transphobic. When called on it, they wail, “But, some of my best friends are…”

Sorry, not good enough.

In recent weeks, a well-known gay cisgender male who has his own satellite radio show wrote a blog post (http://www.siriusxm.ca/shaun-proulx-caitlyn-jenner-looks-like-a-man-in-a-dress/) stating that Caitlyn Jenner looks like a man in a dress.

Sigh.

Really? Falling back on that old line yet again to insult and degrade a transgender woman?

Appropriately, many and varied people took him to task over his blatant transmisogyny and transphobia. This led to a recent blog post where he whines that people obviously didn’t understand what he was talking about.

Great, insult your audience.

This really did set my blood to boiling levels, as this crossed my hourly news feeds at the same time that news was breaking about the murder of yet another transgender woman in Texas. We have already surpassed the reported numbers for 2014, showing the outright slaughter of transgender women of color. And these are only the reported cases. What continues to infuriate me is the standard misgendering, dead-naming, and worse apparent in most mainstream media and police reports of violent crime against transgender women of color. I am grateful that we have the opportunities to have this not be the case in Toronto. I know because I help train the frontline people on transgender issues and appropriate language. It’s not perfect yet, but we’re working hard to make things better and it is starting to take hold.

Should you ever go to the direct source of the news story, whatever you do, do not read the comments, unless you have a need to raise your blood pressure dramatically. It is bad enough to have one’s life taken violently, but the piling on of ugliness from agencies and mainstream media is disgusting. Stop burying your heads, there is an epidemic of violence against transgender people of color. Will somebody please pay attention before the grim totals go higher?

Back to our local media personality.

Anytime somebody prefaces an attack by saying that they have trans friends and write about trans people… my mind immediately jumps to, “Oh, here it comes…” Not to disappoint, in this case, the focus is pretty much solely on Ms. Jenner’s appearance and how well she fits the author’s definition of womanhood/femininity. Her being unsteady in heels, how she carries a handbag or purse, her movements, body language, etc.

Here’s my question, though… who made this guy the judge of all things feminine?

Walking in heels is an acquired skill, not something you learn overnight. I’ve worn heels since my teens, have you ever seen a figure skating boot without a heel? Eventually, due to osteoarthritis, I had to have joints removed and bones fused when I was 20. Because my toes are locked into one position, they are angled up to make walking easier. Flats make my feet ache horribly. Put me in heels, I’m good for the day. I’ve had over 30 years in heels, so yes, I walk in them naturally. But, I know many cisgendered women who cannot wear heels for many reasons, or never learned how to walk in them, or who have asked me what my secret is to moving gracefully while wearing heels.

In a recent column that I wrote for Living Toronto Journal, I discussed how having to live in the role of the gender I was assigned at birth was both uncomfortable and unnatural for me. Whenever I was out in public, I was constantly aware of my body language, posture, etc. Transitioning to my true self has meant unlearning all of those things that were necessary to play a role, and rediscovering my natural movement. I am lucky that it has come easily to me, but it is a struggle for others, as the assigned role has become so ingrained that it takes time and effort to remove that programming.

So, let us consider Ms. Jenner. Like myself, a late in life transition to her true self. I, unfortunately, do not have the resources that she does, so my transition moves at a pace similar to many others in my age bracket. I am lucky to have truly fabulous friends who have worked with me on creating my look. Our critic hits on other issues, including makeup and voice. Again, I am lucky, one of my best friends is a professional make-up artist and is hugely talented. She creates looks for special events and photo shoots that even surprise me. My voice… I rather enjoy my voice, people regularly tell me that my voice is similar to Lauren Bacall (gotta love that!). But, we still run into issues where banks shut down the accounts of transgender women because they don’t sound female enough. We’re still working on that one… so much education yet to be done.

So, before we go forth hammering on Ms. Jenner or other transgender women in the public eye, consider this…

It takes a large amount of courage to be transgender and visible these days. To educate yourself on transgender issues publicly while displaying your ignorance about much of it, bravo. To allow yourself to be awkward publicly while adjusting to your true self at last… awesome.

My final point is this… You may have appointed yourself the judge of all things feminine… I have news for you, you’re not worthy of that title. Posting pictures of flowers with cutesy affirmations does not hide an ugly heart. Give your head a shake and get a reality check. And if your “many trans friends” have not educated you as yet, come to one of my talks, I’ll give you the education you so sorely need.

And some of the other gay men out there in my news feed yesterday who were called on their rampant transphobia… grow up. Really John Waters, if you feel the need to degrade Ms. Jenner, pick on her politics, pick on her lack of knowledge on certain topics, but her status as a transgender woman is not for you to degrade.

But some of my best friends are… human beings, with feelings, and soul, and a heart, and love to share. Think, before you speak.