It is not lost on me that as a young Haitian infant, I was at death’s door. I was born 2 months pre-mature, my body was shutting down, I was severely ill, and we had no food. My biological mother passed away during childbirth. My biological father took my twin brother and I to the nearest orphanage, which was several days of travel away. There, my twin soon passed away. I was not too far behind him when the angels intervened. I was plucked out of that existence into a whole other world. I went from being born into a third-world, torn, impoverished livelihood and put smack dab in the middle of white, middle class, midwestern, suburbia. It’s nothing I did, nothing I asked for, yet I had won the lottery.

I was adopted by a lovely, young, white, Christian couple who were so excited to have me after seeing my picture. I grew up in Midland, Michigan, along with my adopted brother and sisters. Around the age of 5, I started to discover that my personality was different from the other boys in the kindergarten classroom. All the boys would congregate in one corner, and I would feel nervous and shy in a way I didn’t know how to put into words at that age. Thus, I found myself hanging out more with the girls. I wasn’t interested in trucks and actions figures that much anyway.
When my father, brother and I would watch the super hero cartoon action movies, I was less interested in the action sequences and more mesmerized by the men in tights, with their muscles bulging. I kept that to myself, of course. Even though I truly did not understand what I was feeling, I was led to believe that whatever I was feeling was odd, incorrect, or somehow demented.

We went to church every Sunday. I was taught to believe that everything in the Bible was the truth, correct, and sacred. I was taught that if I was to question any of it, that I was a “bad Christian.” Guilt, shame, stigma, dogma, rules, regulation… I felt myself becoming claustrophobic. I wanted so very badly to please my parents, because I understood that had they not adopted me, I would be dead. In my subconscious, I believe I always carried that thought around with me. I believe that very thought is what inhibited me from questioning anything. “Just be a good son. Do what you’re told. Act correct. Don’t be gay. These people risked a lot to save your life and you owe them. Be a good son. Don’t be gay,” I would tell myself repeatedly.
Around the age of 8 is when I began to pray and ask God to make me straight. I prayed fervently for about 3 solid years every single night. I would be in tears asking God to make me normal like the other boys. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, or my friends, or their parents. I prayed. Nothing ever changed. As an 8, 9, 10, 11 something year old, when you feel you’ve exhausted all your options and even God has fallen silent on you, a great depression ensues. I thought to myself, “because this world was not made for a queer nigger, perhaps it would be best if I just wasn’t here.” Suicidal thoughts followed.

Around age 21, as I moved out of my small town and moved to a larger city, I started to evolve in more ways than one. I learned how to fully love and accept my whole self; my gayness and my blackness. I understood that being gay is NOT a choice. Being gay is also not a lifestyle. A lifestyle is a career someone chooses, the clothes someone wears, dieting. Being gay is a part of who someone is. When you reject someone because they are gay, that is hate. Period.
I experienced sex for the first time and fell in love with being physically connected to other men. I began to explore sex and my sexuality. I began stripping for independent parties, posing nude for college art classes and community studios, and escorting. I felt myself becoming alive. The day that I stepped onto my first adult film set was the day I believe I took my sexual power back. I feel stepping into porn was me reclaiming my sexuality and autonomy over my own body that had been withheld from me and squelched all those years before. It was empowering and healing connecting with other men on film. It was empowering and healing connecting with other men. Period.

As I have began to grow in the adult film industry, my hunger for equality and justice for the LGBTQ+ community has enveloped every facet of my life. Speaking with and learning from other porn performers and community leaders has been such an education for me. I am learning how to become a better activist each and every day; not only for queer lives, but for black lives as well. I have become a strong advocate for STD/HIV awareness, treatment, and prevention.
I still have much to learn and I am very excited for where this journey will continue to take me. I am full. I am blessed. I will continue listening, learning, and educating. I will continue my activism work until there is no need for it anymore.

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