Being a gay man has been a fantastic experience. Throughout my twenty three-years, I have met the most incredible people and I have a family that supports me wholeheartedly. Overall, that is the sum of the equation; however, I have found there have been some troubling elements that are byproducts of my sexuality.
I grew up in a series of small towns surrounded by farms, countless fields, and rolling hillsides. It paints a pretty picture, yet I have always found that those within the pastoral community view this geographic space as idealistic, or rather…perfect. The problem in growing up within this space is that, as a gay man, I was frustrated with idealism because it is the culmination of something that needs no change. Being alone in the middle of nowhere, as many LGBTQIA+ folk have experienced, means you are often left alone with your thoughts. Now, I am a firm believer that those within our community are great thinkers, but having the ability to think so deeply can have profound effects on one’s mind. You are hungry for something different and you look towards the city, other countries, and dream of other worlds in the hope that there is a place for you.
From a young age, I have understood my mind as having an existential viewpoint of the world. My sexuality and the thirst for change extended far beyond the fields of small-town England, which led to thoughts which at times were very dark. Effectively, I was stunted with social anxiety and the fear of being an outsider.
Fear and anxiety are strange concepts; they teach us that everyday occurrences and experiences lead us to danger and suffering. It wasn’t until I moved to the city that these fears began to manifest into something completely different. I began to meet people, most notably queer people, who have had similar thought processes and, to put it bluntly, we all seemed just as lonely in each other’s company. But we began to build each other up and learn from fear as not something we should be scared of, but something we should embrace with open arms.
I wouldn’t wish fear and anxiety for anyone, but the understanding it gave me both on the world and my own being proved fundamental to how I live. It showed me that I wanted to live life better and seek out experiences I wouldn’t have even imagined back home. Look around you and see how so many of us remain passive as the clock ticks. Look at how we numb the pain of living through the endless and vapid trenches of the internet and television.
Through understanding my fear I found that I had the ability to truly scrutinize my place on this planet. What am I to be? Who am I to be? Should I be scared of what the world expects of me? To be honest, we are all trying to find a place, but within the LGBTQIA+ society, we have to work hard when heteronormative spaces give us the assessment that we don’t belong.
I owe a lot to growing up in the middle of nowhere and the fears it bestowed on me. I have established an exchange rate for fear in that you trade it in for compassion and empathy twofold. That is the key to how some of my friends and I live. Our sexualities were dwarfed within our confined societies, but we are employing these negatives and turning them into something wholly positive.
We are all victims of some sort of circumstance, but through gaining a conscious insight of fear I have found the answers I was looking for and with this the importance of fear itself. Fear enables us to gain awareness and eventually, you can feel confident in yourself, regardless of whether you were born in a small town or a big city, you can be whoever or whatever you want to be.
