When is the best time to move in with your partner?
If you are a lesbian, you have heard about the “U-Haul” joke more times than you can count. I began to wonder about the validity of this judgmental cliché. One thing that I found to be a common time frame for the “U-Haul” title is 3-6 months. Can you really know a person just because you spent as many waking moments with them as possible; making love, eating, staring into each other’s eyes, and having deep meaningful conversations? Do you know if they smell when they are not putting their best face forward? Do they pick their teeth, nose, and bite their toenails in front of you? I dated a woman who used to peel her toenails off (without clippers!) while we were in bed and then place them on the nightstand in a pile… some things are simply not… well- not acceptable. Why not spend the time and patience of really getting to know someone before they move in?
Another thing to consider, do you really want to do every single thing together? I mean come on, is now the time to deal with hurt feelings because you did not invite your girlfriend with you to hang out with your friends because she likes to paint her nails and you like to spike a volleyball? Sometimes living together with your partner can create a sense of oneness in which we can become a single unit. This is especially a common habit being a lesbian. We not only connect as women, best friends and lovers- we connect as a unit of cohesive habitual processes of passive-aggressive submissiveness sometimes. You know:
“What do you want for dinner honey?”
“Whatever you want sweetie.”
“How about Chinese?”
“Nah, I don’t like how oily Chinese is. How about a Salad.”
(Disappointed sigh) “Whatever you want sweetie…”
“Are you sure a salad is fine? We can have Chinese if you want… even though we had Chinese last time…because you chose what you wanted…but that’s alright sweetie. We can eat Chinese.”
(Crickets chirping, clenched jaw) “No sweetie, we can have a salad. I will just add some extra dressing and meat to it.”
These scenarios may seem minor to the undiscerning eye, but imagine if you had to deal with annoying quirks every…single…day of the week. Eventually, things might take you to the dark side. After being in one long term relationship after another for the last 16 years, I have realized that the common denominator of my irritation and identified incompatibility is habitual “U-hauling.” I still wanted to stay neutral so instead of relying on my own opinion or some mysterious survey written by an anonymous “expert” in the vast endless internet, I decided to do my own survey and interact with people that I know-both queer and hetero. I blasted everyone on my Facebook page and simply asked friends, family, and strangers their opinion.
I had a lot of fascinating conversations with several people. I was actually surprised by the responses. 50% believed that one should wait at least a year while 25% confessed to moving in at the 2-3 months, 20% waited until the 6-month mark and 10% believed that you should wait until marriage.
As fascinating as it is to have an “expert” opinion about when we should move in with one another, it is apparent that it all boils down to feel when the time is right. While it may feel right, it is also important to know the person by spending time in each other’s spaces. Personally, I think that it is scary to move in with anyone who is too afraid to do the dirty deed in the bathroom or use the bathroom while I am brushing my teeth. What other secrets are they hiding if they don’t pass gas? Perfect women scare me because I know they are full of bologna.
